It’s out! Check out Chapter 13: Dancing with You, and enjoy your victory dances!
To my amazing readers, if you’re worried for me, feel free to read more below. Just a bit of a blugh onto the computer.
So, suicide attempted and failed. Downed a bottle and a half of wine on an empty stomach, wrote some notes, and sunk into a cold bath in the middle of winter. For those that want to know, my opinion of death by hypothermia is that, while it isn’t particularly painful, it’s tedious and tiring. Here I am more than 24 hours later, and my muscles are so sore from the shivering that if feels like I got my butt kicked in a martial arts class. Repeatedly. Apparently, what I couldn’t think of while drunk is that you need to strike a balance in the temperature of the water; too cold and it gets painful, but too warm and you sober up and get tired of waiting (me).
Not sure why I did it. Wasn’t sure before or during either. One of my beloved commenters hit the nail on the head with the reference to an overpowering feeling of failure and disgust with myself, but that was just the trigger before I spiraled into… apathy? I think. I struggled for 45 minutes to try and do something on the most stressful test of my life yet, and when I finally admitted I was going nowhere, I had more than two hours remaining to sit there and convince myself that permanently running from my problems would be, if not the best solution, certainly the most comfortable. Of course, the thought that I was a loser that could only run from his problems like that only compounded with the negative feelings that made me feel it was a good idea in the first place. I convinced myself that it was a good gamble. If I die, I have no more responsibilities to handle, and I physically can’t care about what my actions would mean for the twenty or so people that I interact with. If I didn’t die, I could sweep it all under the rug and keep trying, life as usual.
At the end of it all, here I am. Giving a new, heart-throbbing chapter of Marietta and Belvant. I’m a sore loser, and I don’t like to play games I can’t win, so I likely won’t try that gamble again. You all are stuck with me until we finish this story, and you’ll just have to deal with that. Strap yourselves in, because once I’m done with my last two finals, I’m digging into this series and overdosing you all with sugar!
… Huh? Spear Hero? Is that something tasty?… Oh! That, right. Well… Just blame Marietta for being too cute; it’s seriously beyond my control!
You folks are great. A cookie for everyone that was worried. Your comments warmed my heart.
Shameless Onii-san 
hey!
i’m glad that you are still with us! and also very glad to hear you aren’t gonna try that again!
and, the tests…while they matter to some small extent, they are not the end all, after all. no matter what happens, things’ll be fine, as long as you keep going, ok? all the best!
-gives lots of food and blankets- now then, got to get to recovering!
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Depression sucks. You should see a counselor if you can; it’s helped me before. 🙁
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Yikes. That was close. Please don’t. So glad you didn’t. Have you talked to anyone about it yet?
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I’ve talked with some of the important folks, and I’m waiting until I go home in a few days to get the last of them in person. So far, they’ve mostly been surprised at how I’m pretty much just “well, that happened”. Maybe apathy is my coping method? Who knows.
Thanks for listening yourself. I’ll grant you a provisionary membership to the group “important folks” too! XD
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The hell man!
There are people in worse situation out there!
True, life may be boring, may be anoying, may be stressful, but there are always that tiny silly bits that gives pleasure to be alive!
You yourself give us that!
Cheer up!
We might be strangers and leechers but we thank you for your hard work!
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Totes true about there being worse, but realizing I was being a whiny loser also just compounded all those negative feelings. It’s a complicated feeling that’s difficult to get out of in the moment; all your thoughts and rationalizations just seem to make things worse.
Glad I have all you guys though. This translation hobby is shaping up to be quite fulfilling.
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You are not a whiny loser!
Pain cannot be compared. It is not how bad the situation that entitles us to the amount of pain we are supposed/allowed to feel. We have no choice. It is just how we feel. Before I experienced depression myself, I could not understand.
As others have said, it will likely pass. I don’t know if it is of much help to you, but for me it sometimes helps to think about how it is unlikely that it will last forever (since that is the nature of major depression. That is unless it is chronic – I think it then is some form of bipolar they say now, and even then you will have periods in between with joy and medication will also help. And there is a lot of research into it, so I think they hopefully will find a cure or better medication.)
I am glad you shared some of your thoughts, because others feeling like myself makes me feel less alone. So, thank you for that! And I really want to thank you for bringing me joy through your translations. I use a lot of escapism when things get dark (although it can contribute to depression also I think). Another thing that works really well for me is total sleep deprivation, so that is something to try when you are desperately depressed (It works for 60-70% of people, so much better than antidepressants + it is immediate, but is impractical since you only can do it for a short while). Partial sleep deprivation (only sleeping first half of the night with or without with artificial light), can be done for a longer time.
I wish you all the best!
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Wow, I’m glad you’re still here. I’ve never had to personally experience depression or that particular brand of apathy (I have a more “since the world is awful, I’ll make the best of it attitude”), but I’ve seen the effect it has on people. Thank you for deciding to stay here with us and all the sugar cookies.
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From someone that was also fed up with life at one point, I’m glad you’re still with us. Tests are probably going to be a small portion of your life, so try and keep everything that depresses uou in perspective to your entire future life. That’s what I do.
Thank you for everything, and don’t be afraid to rely on the community a little more 😉
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I’m worried about you but i can’t do anything to help you since i don’t about yourself …. but can i ask you something??? if you don’t want to answer i won’t mind but did you ever throught about asking for some help …. there a lot of place you can discuss your problem …. and i’m sure that you have people that care about you and would not want any harm to fall upon you…
i personnally would like to help you but i know i’m not a good listener … i talk too much to help a lot ….listening that’s not my force…. and also i’m really quick to juge and jump to conclusion…in summary the worst to listen to someone problem ..but if you have nobody else to talk to I’m here ok ….
by the way i did fall more then once my exam ….the worst i had was 15 % in my mid session exam… with time it become something that made me a little frustrated but i did learn one thing …. i you fall once their no shame about giving it a second, third or even fourth try …. people around you realise that you will not stop until you understand and that something to be proud of so… if it did not go well … take a big breath take a day of to cool your anger (or drink it or dance it whatever work for you)and try again after all i’m sure you can do it
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((((hugs))))
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Wh..what!? I’m so glad you’re still here with us (º̩̩́Дº̩̩̀ )
Nooo you can’t do it anymore,okay?
I’ve had time when I was so depressed too and I don’t even know why should I live, but I realize that thinking about it will just lead me further into a deeper depression, so I talk to my friends about it, let it all out and forget it all..! well, talking really does make it better!
We may be leechers and may not know you very well, but if you want to let it all out, do so and we’ll listen to you! (•̀ᴗ•́)و
Oh, and although you like translating, don’t push yourself and take a rest, okay? *gives a cup of hot milk*
Sorry for the long comment m(_ _)m
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I am glad that you’re still with us and that you have dicided to talk with others. I hope that after all this is done and gets left behind you will feel better and that it will be a good life lesson for you to think back about.
Believe me, we humans are stupid creatures that will keep making mistakes, never learn from it and keep repeat it. Don’t be afraid how others will look at you. Society is a messed up place where other will keep laughing at you for your one mistakes, but never pat you on your back for the thousands of things you have done well. That is why we try and create our own circle of relative who will pet and push us forward in those times.
Don’t think of youself as sore loser because of this. We all have moments when we are feeling down and in those moments we think of stupid things like murder, theft and many other stuff. When I think back of all the thoughs that I had in those moments I can’t believe how stupid I was. So your feelings about it right now are normal to have. One day you will laugh your ass off like I am right now of your own stupidity. Start a riot and watch humanity fall into chaos… Well to be honest I would still want to see that.
I am glad you haven’t forgotten about Spear bro and since you are gonna keep pestering us with Marietta for quite a while I might aswell give it a try someday.
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I’m glad you’re still here. There are a lot of enjoyable things you can do and encounter. You shouldn’t let the annoying stuff prevent you from being happy. I hope you can continue to talk it out with someone and work things out. I pray you find something you truly enjoy so that nothing gets in your way.
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Please, please don’t give up.
I know it’s hard to believe. This is a random comment from a random stranger probably living half a world away and there’s no reason for you to believe me.
Except for the fact that I’m begging you to. Please believe me.
Because what you feel right now – apathy, a feeling of being a failure, a weight on your chest whatever it is that is driving you – it will pass.
It will pass.
It will pass.
And I’m saying this three times because it’s important.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a year, but one day you’ll look back and you’ll notice that the weight has lessened. You’ll notice that breathing becomes easier. You will.
Because nothing lasts forever – not the good, not the bad, not the nothing.
I know you probably won’t believe me and if you don’t I can’t do anything.
But even if you don’t believe me that it will one day go away and you will feel better, please believe me when I say that this feeling inside of you – you don’t have it because you’re a loser or because you’re worthless or anything that your head might tell you. It’s not true.
It’s because depression is an illness, not a symptom. And please, please try to get it treated. Talk to a counselor, a therapist, someone who can help. And they can, that’s what they exist for.
And please, please don’t give up.
I hope this doesn’t seem completely weird to you, coming from someone who doesn’t know anything about you. I just want you to know that there are other options than dying. There always are.
Sincerely,
a stranger who doesn’t think you’re a loser. not at all.
(and a fan of your translations. just on a side note).
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Dont know if it helps at all but as someone who managed to pull himself out of depression and is starting to double dip, cutesy shit like this is pretty much all that keeps me going. You are an incredible human being and without you and your awesome translating of stuff my life would suck just a little bit more than it already overwhelmingly does. Dont take anymore gambles, theres always someone here if you need to talk. Your awesome and cool, its just hard for people to understand. Probably its jealousy. Keep it up kiddo, and tests are shitty ive been doing them for years, but they mean mostly diddly. You can always retake them. Best of luck, lots of love and hope you eat like a buttload of sweets. Peace and love man.
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I’m glad it turned out well, no hospital and all… I hate the hospital.
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I’ve been in a very similar situation, and all I can say is that it’s good you made it through. It takes time to come to terms with your failure and the self-loathing that comes with it, and at least for me after I failed catastrophically I’ve always been doubting my ability. I think that’s okay though, a wake up call is always good.
However, you should never doubt your capability. Hang in there buddy.
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I’m glad you’re okay, physically. As for the depression, I want you to remember that its only an illness and it can be cured. There are people to talk to and medicine to take so you can get better. There’s no shame in talking with a therapist or taking the anti-depressants. I was personally surprised at the positive effects of the anti-depressants on me. Please, keep your mind open and remember that your options are much more than what you’re led to believe. I wish you the best.
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Omg I didn’t know this happened 😦 I hope you’re okay. I’m glad you are able to open up at least. And for me that is the first step. Please keep hanging on I promise it gets better. I’m very proud of you for surviving that moment. That means you found the will the get stronger even through the overpowering temptation to give up. I’m cheering for you! We’re just here if you want someone to talk with. (Just think of me as someone with ulterior motives because I want chapters! And just rant or something x) listening to you is the least we can do. I really hope you get through this.)
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Everyone is a loser in life.
I don’t do the things I’m supposed to do. Am I a piece of trash?
No.
Everyone has their unique value. You matter.
Life is not meant to be aced.
Success can be as insignificant as getting out of bed at the right time.
Sometimes there are gruelling hurdles that I have no choice but to go through with. But thinking of the freedom to do what I want that comes after is the best reward ever.
Who gives a shit about what other people expect me of.
Who gives a shit about what’s deemed as success in life.
Success is, I say, finding what you love doing most. Enjoying the heck out of it. Something that fills you with purpose and accomplishment.
Going through the tumultuous thrills life can bring, and tell it straight in the face ‘I don’t give a fuck cuz I’m still doing what I love.’
Translator guy, whatever pain you’re going through, one day you’ll look back and say to yourself you’re glad you made it through. There are gonna be better days ahead.
Don’t try to kill yourself anymore, you might end up with a disability and that sucks even more. A healthy body is freedom.
To top it off, this story is good fap material. If you’re gone it would suck very much.
All the best to you.
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If you prefer speaking: 1-800-273-8255 (suicide prevention hotline)
If you prefer chatting: http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
They are a wonderful 3rd party group available 24/7. It may or may not help. They may be able to help give you the motivation to try the medication that you might probably need. Usually Medication + Behavioral therapy has the best effect.
Additional things that might help:
– multivitamins (Vitamin D deficiency can cause depression)
– exercise (there is an extremely high correlation between exercise and depression). It may also help you sleep better.
– meditation
Of course all of these things depend on how much you would like to get better.
Thank you for always doing a wonderful job translating these stories for us.
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My grandfather committed suicide. It’s been several years since then.Lately he’s been showing himself in my aunt’s dreams looking dirty, super thin and miserable. It’s a weird dream but I believe that it’s really him – his soul. He said that he’s very miserable and lost and he can’t return. You might not believe in souls or life after death but what if it’s not oblivion? What if it’s not the end that you’re longing for? What if at the other side there’s only suffering that you’re going to face? One without distractions or reprieve. I know I might come as a weird person and I’m not really that superstitious or religious but that dream made me think of the what if. I’ve also been depressed and there are times that I just want to end it. I just want not to exist, think, feel. Just end it all. I wouldn’t be tired or hurt or suffering worrying – nothing. I’m just concerned for you. If what’s waiting for us is not the end, not the escape whe’re wanting but to actually be confronted with suffering 24 hours a day for a long long time maybe even eternity. Maybe this world although there are times when it’s so cold or we’re just tired of it there are also times when we can have a glimpse of happiness like from reading your translation. And maybe in the future you can even find true happiness so don’t give up just yet. These burdens and suffering shall pass as well so just stay there. It’s also what I’ve like to say to myself
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That’s frightening to think about.
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Your brief excerpt felt very familiar with me because it’s something I’m struggling with as well. I can’t give any encouraging words because it’s something that I don’t believe I can do whole heartedly and for me they wouldn’t be enough anyway. But I’d like to share my experience, though it might just be my arrogant, disillusioned self thinking that speaking of my struggles might give you the comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.
I’m someone that has been contemplating suicide as well, for the past 3 years actually. You mentioned that apathy could be your way of coping and that’s something I can relate to. My failures get heavier and heavier but I’m just turning a blind eye to it, pretending I can’t see it during the day I end up sleeping most of the day away, angering my mom that I do nothing but it’s really hard for me to feel any motivation but in her eyes I’m just being lazy and that’s how I want to keep it. I can smile and laugh at something funny, no one knows what I’ve been struggling with. I feel like I’ve been lying about my entire life, pretending to be strong. I find it arrogant and selfish and my self hatred just grows.
It’s so easy to just give up, but I’m still trying to pick myself up. I do feel like I’ve tried to do that over the past 3 years but I end up just getting pummeled even lower. I’m not afraid of death but I feel like I should. I’ve read stories of people going through similar experiences who’ve promised that things will get better. I’ve yet to confirm it, but I have some hope that it could be true.
From one broken person to another, I sincerely hope that you manage to pick yourself up.
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I’m suffering from depression myself. Though I may not know what you’re going through as each of us go through it in a different way. There are times that we may just want to give it all up (plenty of times actually), and there are people out there who may contribute to our spiraling down those paths.
Well, let me tell you or the other people out there (who’s suffering from the same thing), screw those people or screw whatever you’re getting depressed about (maybe family, school, or work, or even combined). I know it’s hard, coz I find it hard myself. There’s always a solution to every problem even if it’s as small as a pinprick. Even if that solution meant giving something up or someone up.
I hope you’re alright.
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I’m no expert on suicide, but I do know that life is tough. An upbeat guy who also has struggled with unhappiness wrote a book about it as he struggled. It’s a very short book on how to be happier called, Happiness is a Serious Problem. It has lots of “basic” stuff that’s easy to forget when in the midst of depression. It has been helpful for me.
If you’re interested, I’d be more than willing to gift you a kindle edition.
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I’ll decline the gift for now, but thanks for the recommendation; I’ve got a tab on it for future consideration. (:
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Hang in there. Everything’s gonna be just fine. 🌠🌠
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I am glad you are alive. I can’t really help with anything; all i can really do is write a comment so… Though I have never had depression; or the like. I am an extremely negative person, so my outlook on things has always been different; to say the least. Because of this, I have a hard time dealing with death; others not my own. Though I don’t know you personally, I would have had a mental breakdown if you had died. Please don’t ever die. What I do is instead of comparing myself to others, I just mentally tell them to f×*× off. Again please don’t ever die.
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Hey, thanks for choosing to still be with us. It’s surprising, huh, how so many people in your blog’s comments section can care.
I had serious suicidal thoughts about in the 3 darkest periods of my life. I either chickened out though, someone brought light into my life, or I had a hardheaded promise to important people to keep going preventing me.
About the self-disgust thing, I struggled with it for years. This was the advice that helped me out the most: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4tkkL9w2pw8 (a TEDTalk on unconditional positive self-regard).
I’ve promised my “self” that even if it becomes the most evil and hated person in the world, I’d still accept it. I tell myself now: “even if you become the most amazing, the most boring average, or just an obscure nobody NEET, I’d accept you.”
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I’m not one to tell people how to live their lives so there. Just wanna say that I’m glad that you failed at that particular point and are not dead. Failing’s bitter fun. It lets one know that there are other things that suits the effort more.
One last thing, “shared joy is double joy, shared sorrow is half sorrow.” Rant to us, man. We’ll listen, and try our best not to enjoy your worries and fears (since it would distract us from our own). Really enjoying Marietta by the way, so sweet and adorable, like a kitten high on catnip
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Well like most things in life – better out than in.
But you know what? You’re not a whiny loser.
Depending on what country you’re in, you should try to seek counselling.
Also you can get your university to write off that exam (and not count as a fail). University counselling services are also a good place to start seeking help.
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Please don’t kill yourself. I feel like crying. When you talked about being a loser and going nowhere and running feom your problem it resonated with me. I feel like that all the time. I don’t have anything or anyone besides a few people who by pity as family help and deal with me the failure. And I know that that is all my fault. I know I’m a failure not because of circumstance but because I don’t ever try. I never fix my mistakes. Im aleays apathetic.I know I never will truly get up and do anything with my life and i run from my problems. I am my own worst enemy.
Please don’t killyourself. I know it’s hard. I focus on the small things. I simply love to read. I escape into my mind all the time. It may seem childish but my imagination has always been fun enough to me to be worth living for. I’m not bound by anything in my daydreams. Even at my shit job that pays less then minimal wage I can work with a smile on my face because I’m half here and half planning an invasion of a midevil kingdom as a viking war band leader or something like that.
I know this probably won’t work for you but I guess what I’m trying to say is find somthing ANYTHING that makes it worth breathing. It doesn’t matter how small it is. How stupid it is. Life is important. Noone alive knows what’s beyond with any proof. Why go early? If you need to talk you can contact me at my emial adress (wich i beleive you get when i post the comment). And I’ll give you my phone number. Please talk to someone. Your never truly alone even if it feels like it. All you have to do is find them. Please don’t kill youself. I don’t want to lose hope. Please don’t kill yourself.
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It’s crazy how much I just connected with you after you just connected with me. I’m not sure why we can’t get motivated even with all the wonderful little things around us, but maybe if happiness shared is doubled, then diligence might be the same? So yeah, let’s do a little bit more than we did yesterday, because life is for living.
(o ^_^ )b
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how’re faring now dude?After all,i know how shitty it is to run after desired job fkin studying for 5 years
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